the_dude_741

the_dude_741 @ 2007-12-25T01:57:00

2007-12-25T07:03:15Z

Its two in the morning. Christmas day. Here i sit thinking about what might have been. It hit me today that I have had 10 Christmas without my grandfather. That is 10 years without a man who i don't even fully remember. It is horrible that I could just not know so much from my own memory, but from stories that have been told to me. They now seem like rights of passage and sacred knowledge about my grandfather.

I have trouble sleeping so I decided to just listen to the radio. The Little Drummer Boy was on the radio and suddenly memories about the man fludded back into my mind. his smile, his laugh, the fact he used to sing dirty french songs that I would pick up on. Then i remembered a story my grandmother told me about him, how once at 4 in the morning he got a pot and banged on it and sang the little drummer boy at the top of his lungs.

I wish i would have had a grandfather for the last 10 Christmas. I wish he could have seen the man that I turned into. The last he saw of me was a selfish, vengeful hateful young man who only cared about himself. How he never got to see Christmas one more time. He never saw me with a job, graduate highschool, college and become a member of the Public Education system. I wish he could still be here with me now, to see that the fucked up child he thought wouldnt ammount to anything, turned into a fine young man.

the_dude_741 @ 2007-10-09T23:19:00

2007-10-10T03:24:58Z

Today is the first day in my life as a Sub. I worked at two different schools so far for money. But there were reasons why I worked there. I worked at one because my mom works in the office. She told the VP that i could Sub as an EA.

The other was by someone desperate to hire people. But because of the distance and working conditions, I don't know If i ever want to go back there to work full time. Possibly if they offer me casual work, I'd take it. But fulltime seems extreme due to the distance.

Well tomorrow I am working for the first time at a Middle School. I have no clue what I am suposed to be doing. I guess i'll just go with the flow like I generally do.

It is kinda weird getting paid when I have no clue what I am doing. Yet so many people tell me that I am doing a good job because I have an air of Confidence about me. I generally seem confident and knowledgeable. At least tomorrow I know that i wont be taken out, slobbered on or anything worse.

I still can't wait for sunday tho. Bruce Springsteen live. It almost seems like some kind of euphoric dream that I get to see a star of the calibar of Springsteen in concert. Well just gotta make it through the week and I will get to see him. Tomorrow is also election day. I really hope that Kevin Ashe gets elected as MPP, because it would mean a lot to my Uncle George. This is everything to him to see his son succeed.

the_dude_741 @ 2007-10-06T01:59:00

2007-10-06T06:11:39Z

Laying in bed tonight again I am starting to think about what a friend of mine told me.

We were riding on the bus together and she said to me that I have the worst choice in girlfriends. That i delberatly choose the one who is going to hurt and torture me. That i choose the people because I have no confidence in myself. Then I got to thinking about all of the women ive had crushes on or dated.

Lisa from 4th Grade didnt care about me. She just thought it was a joke about how I felt about her.

One from my 8th grade class named Casey. Didn't even notice I exsisted.

First Girlfriend Katie, very self centered, cared more about her smokes than me. Fucked some guy in the back of his car rather than going on a date with me.

Anick, my first sexual relatonship. She was a self centered woman who wanted ritualized sex and wanted to talk endlessly about every relationship she had. She often would rather sleep in and stay out rather than follow through on plans with me.

Caitlin, fairly normal relationship. She dumped me without warning or reason. I could tell she was planning on it. I just let her without saying a word.

Natalie, gave into peer pressure, fucked me over, got engaged, then decided she wanted to sleep with me. Totally immature and self centered.

Two other girlfriends in short sucession have also treated me poorly. like their own personal toy. One decided she loved someone else more than me and decided to leave me. she keeps activly persuing me. When i decided I wanted to get back together with her, she didnt want me anymore.

The other i just flat out left when she treated me like her own slave and property and tried to control or dominate me. When she realized what she did she wanted me back. I want nothing to do with her.

Yeah my track record is pretty shitty and I keep making a lot of mistakes. But I also had girlfriends and women ive had flings with that were not all horrible. which is why they are not listed. I am optimistic that things will go well for me one day. I have my whole life ahead of me and one day i probably will find the girl who doesnt treat me badly.

To quote Neil Diamond "Dont know that I will but until i can find me a girl who will stay and wont play games behind me ill be what i am a Solitary Man."

Return from Indifference

2007-09-19T06:45:11Z

Once More I have returned from the Dead.

I was laying awake in my bed wondering why I don't rant online anymore. It was then i realized that I pretty much just deleted my livejournal account or forgot about it for a period in time.

I am probably going to continue to write and post items here for several reasons.

1) Something to do late at night.
2) Get Things off of my chest.
3) Entertain people if anyone is pathatic enough to wana read this besides myself.
4) To leave a personal history for myself to remember shit.

This is the first of many I hope to continue posting. I had some long ranty idea of bitching about my personal life. But i should mix it up between depressed bitching and genuine happiness.

Well I am off to bed because I have nothing better to do.

the_dude_741 @ 2007-03-04T10:26:00

2007-03-04T15:27:19Z

Society sucks, people blow, and people can but put into the following catagories.

1) Assholes
2) Liars
3) Bastards/Bitches
4) Slime
5) Fake
6) Afraid
7) Good but they are too few and far between

I am so sick of all of these fucking people bothering me when I DONT WANT TO BE bothered. FOR FUCK SAKES I WANT TO BE LEFT THE FUCK ALONE. GODDAMNIT WHY THE HELL CAN'T PEOPLE GET A FUCKING CLUE. IF I AM YOUR FRIEND I WILL HELP YOU AND DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO ASSIST YOU. ITS JUST THE PEOPLE I DONT LIKE WHO KEEP BUGGING THE SHIT OUTTA ME. FUCK OFF ALL YOU FAKE FRIENDS AND JUST LET MY GODDAMN REAL FRIENDS GET MY ENERGY.

Film History Part 1

2006-12-10T04:46:23Z

When I get really bored sometimes I venture back to the roots of my love of film. Movies have always been a huge passion in my life. Ever since I can remember I have been watching them. My house was so full of disney movies as a child. Right now I wana go through a somewhat long rambely list of some of the biggest moments in my life. Some of the most important movies to me and why and some other non related things that are going to be rambely and weird. Enjoy whomever decided to read this probably no one. I will write a few out tonight and maybe I will continue this list some other time. There is no order to this it just is going to spew out whenever my mind sends them.

The Jungle Book
When I was a little pup around the age of 5 or 6 years of age my father decided to one day bring me to my first movie. It happened to be the disney animated classic The Jungle Book. It was at this time at my younge age that I was sitting in a movie theater and experianced what a movie truely is. My dad sat with me and I knew right then that I was going to like movies.

The Secret Garden
I was about 7 or 8 years of age when my grandmother offered to take me to see a disney animated movie. I declined stating that I was too big to go and see some cartoon movie. I wanted to go and see a grown up movie. Even though I cannot remember anything from that movie, that will forever be the point in my life where I knew that I was going to like movies. When I chose to go outside the norm and really explore what is out there. Really tho i was just a kid that wanted to grow up.

Speed
Wile Speed is one of the crappiest movies that I have ever witnessed in my life, I respect it looking back on it now. I was a 10 year old Child and that was the first R rated movie that I ever saw. It opened the door to me and really hooked me in. At that point movies were my life and all i wanted to do was watch them. I became hooked once i saw the explosions and gun fire.

The Green Mile
This is the first movie that I openly cried for at the end of the movie. I cried and was completely drawn into the story. This is also the first movie that i used my own money to buy. I was at chapters and i bought it myself on VHS. I watched it many many times and to this day i still love the story and Michael Clark Dunchan's preformance.

The Shawshank Redemption
This is a bittersweet movie for me. This movie I bought along with one of the best films that I have ever seen in my life. I bought this movie when I bought Oh Brother Where Art Thou for a project for school. 2 years before tho when I was a young confused virgin at 16 I was over at the House of a girl that I have now dubbed the Town Mule. We were watching this and had known eachother for about 2 months at most. We started kissing during that movie and the next thing I knew we were naked on her bed and I was loosing my virginity. This was the worst and most self distrutive relationship of my life. All because of that now I cannot watch this movie, nor can I read the book without the thought of her in my mind.

Natural Born Killers
I was 13 year old staying up late like I usually did. I was watching this on Showcase and it was uncencored. I had never seen such a powerful and expressionistic film in my life. As I sat watching that movie I became more and more enthralled with that movie. I knew right then and there that movies were the ultimate art form. The next day i bought a video camera(which turned out to be broken) but after that I was hooked and wanted to be a filmmaker.

Frustration

2006-12-09T23:45:07Z

I am really sick of some of the bullshit that I have to deal with at times. I am the guy that people talk to and I make people happy and I am really good at a lot of things.

One of the prime examples of why I am frustrated is that I am head over heels for someone. I give her all the support and advice and love that I can muster even tho I am on the edge right now and really one step from freaking out. I know she will never feel the same for me but I continue to put my heart and emotions out. I continue to give her the hope she deserves.

I am sick to death of being the friend. I am sick to death of being the sholder to cry on guy. It is a pain in the fucking ass. But its a cross that I gotta bare because I care for this person. Anyway its true what they say, Nice Guys finish Last.

the_dude_741 @ 2006-08-14T21:10:00

2006-08-15T01:21:10Z

Lately I have just been dong nothing but thinking about my aunt. I remember that i spent the last 3 days of her life visiting her and just watching the life slowly slip out of her. I watched slowly in anger and rage as she basicly died and I was powerless to help her.

This was the aunt who watched and and raised me during the time when i was labeled a hopeless case. She encouraged me and without her I wouldnt even be in college now.

I watched her slowly slipping away full of pain and even to this day i am not able to shed one tear for her.

She basicly inspired me to get into this program and was the one who talked me into staying when I was so depressed that I didnt want to be there anymre.

I am a horrible human being and a horrible nephiew that I cant even shed one goddamn tear for her and I was able to cry for some hollywood piece of shit movie.

I love my aunt but she should be disapointed in a bastard of a relitive like me. Someone who couldnt even cry for her or outwardly show her any emotion what so ever. I just wish i know why I cant cry for her when I loved her with all my heart.

What makes it even worse is right now I cant even stop the thought of ending my own life. I feel like such a horrible human being even more for that.

Right now the only thing keeping me from death is a stupid promise I made to a friend of mine. I promised I wouldnt end my own life. I am going to stand by my word and stay alive but i cant help but think im a horrible person.

I love you Aunt Maggie and Im sorry that i cant cry for you.